BEYOND MERE SURVIVAL


one more skin
September 10, 2009, 11:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

has been shedded, as i try to settle into my new life. figuring out where all the pieces fit, and also where they don’t at all. but that is not what i set out to write about. instead it’s the overwhelming response to my plead for money that occupies my thoughts.
that is what i did, in the simplest sense. i asked for money to everyone that would come to mind, because i have no means of procuring a needed service myself.

my daughter needs braces, she needs them badly, and i went through various stages of frustration and denial. i am angry at the exorbitant cost of the procedure, i am angry that i am poor, that i have always been poor, and i seem to not be able to get out of it. i am angry that other people have parents with money, they were just born with that privilege, and that is the end of the story.
i am angry at myself for having children with an asshole that has contributed nothing, and still contributes nothing, though he is very good at hurting and complicating. i tell myself i was 17, but i still should have known better.

one late night as all of this flashed in my thoughts i decided to swallow my pride and let people know that i needed their help, that i was not invincible, not perfect, and not an island. i don’t do that often.

it has been nothing like i expected. so many people i hardly know have helped out, and some to an extent that made me almost feel sick to my stomach. with surprise, and bewilderment, and confusion, and happiness of course. the real kind, the one that isn’t inflated but just makes it seem like what you hope about humanity might not be bullshit after all.



the leap
June 13, 2009, 12:11 am
Filed under: rants and such | Tags: , , , , , ,

it has been a pause of silence on my part because i have been stuck on moving, stuck by really trying to grasp that i am deciding to uproot myself yet again, and this time not for an emergency, or immediate survival like the first time. i am happy in Bloomington, the happiest i have ever been probably, but i am still leaving. i know i would stop being happy pretty soon if i did not leave because i am restless and my head wonders. 

today my friends threw a going away party, and i am presently paralyzed by their presence in my life. i feel like a kid, still trying to figure out how people relate to each other and how to make it all work. i was watching my nine year old daughters playing with people and routinely making the rounds, sitting on different people’s laps, or hanging on their necks, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. i could have never giving them that sense of trust, safety and dignity by myself. i could have never opened their world to so many different ideas, beliefs and ways of interacting. Oona and Florence are comfortable around adults and trusting, but without being naive or lacking assertiveness. i am full of gratitude for all the people that have been in their life for a long long time and made them into who they are now.

it’s a strange time of heightened intensity. this year more people have died that i know than ever, people from my past, my childhood and teenage years. at the same time more people than ever seem to be pregnant, not close to me necessarily, but acquaintances and folks around town. i don’t understand it. it makes my head hurt.

we make up easy explanations like citing some higher power or the circle of life, but it makes no sense to me still.

a person really close to a dear friend just died, and how he died seems like the most improbable way to go. i keep playing the story over and over in my head, and it just seems impossible. if i wholly believe death is real i can give myself a panic attack in less than 5 seconds, and i cannot seem to accept it, or to know what to do with that knowledge.

it scares me to give up the close relationships i feel with my amazing friends, and for what? a chance at making more art? living the cosmopolitan life? i hope this move isn’t another burned bridge, the last sentence of a chapter, but that i can find some continuation between all the pieces of my life that at times feel so scattered.