BEYOND MERE SURVIVAL


june, 2009
June 27, 2009, 2:22 am
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i keep on going because i cannot stop. there has been so much death in my life this year, and i am not sure what to do with it. so many people that have been part of my life, or were a big part of people very close to me have died in the past few months. young people and not so young people, because they wanted to, and after fighting death for years. i cannot go to sleep tonight. 

tomorrow is the memorial for my friend libby and i can’t bring myself to go, or not to go. there is nothing i can do for her right now. going to the memorial will not lengthen her life by one minute because she has been dead for a week. maybe i can’t bring myself to go because i can’t believe it to be real, or maybe because i am scared of losing my shit.  i feel like my brain is too small for this, because it doesn’t make any sense.

it makes me want to hide under a rock. pause time. hold on tight to the nearest object. what the fuck is the point? one part of me thinks, and the rest of me is hopeful that somehow there is more to just being here and then being gone, or someone’s life’s worth being measured on popularity or monetary success. it’s surreal to see my surroundings being eaten up by a collective mourning, not for the people close to me, but for micheal jackson. walking around my neighborhood today i could hear micheal jackson songs being played in all the bars, shops and even out of open windows.  i felt exposed in my pain, and buried myself in unpacking, and being preoccupied with stupid shit like hanging curtain rods. and being unkind to those around me. unfortunately. pain makes me recede instead of reach out. i just need something to start making sense.



the leap
June 13, 2009, 12:11 am
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it has been a pause of silence on my part because i have been stuck on moving, stuck by really trying to grasp that i am deciding to uproot myself yet again, and this time not for an emergency, or immediate survival like the first time. i am happy in Bloomington, the happiest i have ever been probably, but i am still leaving. i know i would stop being happy pretty soon if i did not leave because i am restless and my head wonders. 

today my friends threw a going away party, and i am presently paralyzed by their presence in my life. i feel like a kid, still trying to figure out how people relate to each other and how to make it all work. i was watching my nine year old daughters playing with people and routinely making the rounds, sitting on different people’s laps, or hanging on their necks, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. i could have never giving them that sense of trust, safety and dignity by myself. i could have never opened their world to so many different ideas, beliefs and ways of interacting. Oona and Florence are comfortable around adults and trusting, but without being naive or lacking assertiveness. i am full of gratitude for all the people that have been in their life for a long long time and made them into who they are now.

it’s a strange time of heightened intensity. this year more people have died that i know than ever, people from my past, my childhood and teenage years. at the same time more people than ever seem to be pregnant, not close to me necessarily, but acquaintances and folks around town. i don’t understand it. it makes my head hurt.

we make up easy explanations like citing some higher power or the circle of life, but it makes no sense to me still.

a person really close to a dear friend just died, and how he died seems like the most improbable way to go. i keep playing the story over and over in my head, and it just seems impossible. if i wholly believe death is real i can give myself a panic attack in less than 5 seconds, and i cannot seem to accept it, or to know what to do with that knowledge.

it scares me to give up the close relationships i feel with my amazing friends, and for what? a chance at making more art? living the cosmopolitan life? i hope this move isn’t another burned bridge, the last sentence of a chapter, but that i can find some continuation between all the pieces of my life that at times feel so scattered.



2/16/09
February 16, 2009, 10:37 pm
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well. i often feel that if i don’t stop and think and write, it all slips away. last night i found out that one of my friends from high school died of a tumor. we played music together in our all girl band, she played the bass, and the drums sometimes.

she was diagnosed 2 years ago, apparently, although i had no idea. my long time friend luca wrote me and it just feels so distant. all those people were left behind when i left italy, when i decided not to look back. the last time i saw her, she had just had her first child in 2002, and she seemed overwhelmed and lost. it was hard to negotiate our new selves, both of us very young mothers, and both of us in precarious/shitty relationships with our children’s fathers. the last i heard anything about her i was told her partner was involved with some heavy drugs and selling. i felt powerless, and angry at him, but i did not try to find a way to contact her. and now she is dead, leaving two children to the care of her parents. she did not even like her parents.

i still cannot understand death, how a person can just be, take up so much space, be so unique and lively, so complete and integrated in their surroundings, and then just be gone. i can’t accept that. it makes me sick. it send me into a frenzy of cramming as much action, experience and projects as i can, scared of disappearing any second. i faintly remember the peace that came with believing in heaven as a child, the sense of tranquility. i can’t believe that fable though, so i am not sure what i am left with to answer “what is the meaning of this?”

it seems that when something scary happens people just want loved ones around, and stop worrying about what is considered petty, whether it’s work, or money, or appearance. is that the answer? as i ready for perhaps the next move, i am faltering at the thought of having to start my relationships from zero again. how many people can i leave behind, or cut out of my life? how many pieces am i scattering? i got a call from the california college of the arts to schedule and interview for their graduate program, and it is exciting, but it makes me second guess myself.