i keep on going because i cannot stop. there has been so much death in my life this year, and i am not sure what to do with it. so many people that have been part of my life, or were a big part of people very close to me have died in the past few months. young people and not so young people, because they wanted to, and after fighting death for years. i cannot go to sleep tonight.
tomorrow is the memorial for my friend libby and i can’t bring myself to go, or not to go. there is nothing i can do for her right now. going to the memorial will not lengthen her life by one minute because she has been dead for a week. maybe i can’t bring myself to go because i can’t believe it to be real, or maybe because i am scared of losing my shit. i feel like my brain is too small for this, because it doesn’t make any sense.
it makes me want to hide under a rock. pause time. hold on tight to the nearest object. what the fuck is the point? one part of me thinks, and the rest of me is hopeful that somehow there is more to just being here and then being gone, or someone’s life’s worth being measured on popularity or monetary success. it’s surreal to see my surroundings being eaten up by a collective mourning, not for the people close to me, but for micheal jackson. walking around my neighborhood today i could hear micheal jackson songs being played in all the bars, shops and even out of open windows. i felt exposed in my pain, and buried myself in unpacking, and being preoccupied with stupid shit like hanging curtain rods. and being unkind to those around me. unfortunately. pain makes me recede instead of reach out. i just need something to start making sense.
