empty rooms, unfamiliar smells and spaces. it brings back the animal in all of us. the need for stability and what is known. new city new streets and geographies, noises and routes. oona said it doesn’t feel real. home to her is bloomington, it’s what she has known as home most of her life. i feel groundless. and rash, and impulsive, even though i know this has been coming for over a year, i doubt if i have actually thought it through. i have left so many times. in search for something bigger, a way out, a way in. i will never know if they are mistakes. i still cannot figure out the formula for basic happiness.
for some people having loved ones around them is enough in itself, for others it’s all about public recognition, or monetary success, or the ability to leave a trace that transcends physical decay and death.
i have this gripping anxiety that pushes me to yearn for permanency, while i try to build meaningful and close relationships, and push for my surroundings to be a place where unnecessary suffering can be avoided. there is so much pain that cannot be avoided. death, break ups, sickness. why the fuck would we want to add to that? it’s insane.
i hope i am not just dragging oona and florence along. i am trying to do my best. best possible school, best possible neighborhood, best possible house. best being totally subjective, and definitely my best
would not be “best” to someone else. but it does feel like a gamble, a leap. i have no idea where it will take me.
i hope it won’t feel like the stupidest thing i have ever done in a couple of months. and it’s all too easy to be nostalgic, to see this as the page i turn on my younger self, a new chapter into adulthood, leaving behind nights sneaking into pools, riding home at 5 am, drinking on the train tracks, basement shows, and first loves, but fuck that. i want this to be another exciting beginning.
