so, i am back in the country i have called home for 4/5 of my life, and to which i still have sole citizenship. it’s always unsettling and slightly ominous to be here. it all looks so familiar and understood, but i don’t know where to place myself anymore. within my family, as much as within the society at large. it’s not the same country i left in 2002, and i am not the same person either. it really resembles visiting and ex-lover or good friend, and realizing the closeness that once was is replaced for a strained effort to understand each other, and find some semblance of comfort.
it all is complicated by having my family, and the memories tied to this country be ones of pain and abuse, of scraping for survival and safety. i still don’t feel safe here, i still can’t sleep ok, or relax. my guards are up.
at the same time i appreciate the history and richness of my culture, and basque in the beauty of my surroundings with a sort of sweet nostalgia. it’s like being able to not only visualize the past in my head, but to walk through the memories, to touch and smell what is far gone. an over-sized ghost town.
