cosmo published recently an article called ” a new kind of date rape”:
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/sex/new-kind-of-date-rape
i think it really addresses something that i have been encountering repeatedly in conversations with friends and in talking to people that have been sexually assaulted as an on scene advocate.
the article is scary in its apparent “pro-woman” stance that ends up erasing accountability for making the choice to rape someone, by portraying it merely as being sexually irresponsible at the most. it also trivializes the pain felt by people that have been raped, and puts this kind of sexual assault on some invisible hierarchy where it falls somewhere between REAL rape and consensual sex.
the old idea that women are vulnerable and ultimatley responsible for the assault also finds its way in the article: “We all have vulnerabilities, and we all can be taken advantage of,” says Ludwig. “Though you’re successful at school, sports, whatever, you must see yourself — as a woman — as vulnerable. If you don’t, you’re at greater risk.”
i am tempted to analyze all that is fucked up about the piece, but I am not sure it would be very helpful. i think there is a need to address the questions that surface from reading it. the ideas illustrated in cosmo are pretty ubiquitous throughout society and will remain that way until they can be discussed and brought into light.
we have to ask: in what ways is sexuality constructed in our society that perpetrates a unilateral and uncommunicative approach to sex? how is the cultural construction of gender playing a role in all of this?how does the focus on sexual attractiveness on the part of the media, adverstising, and the entertainment industry affect our self-esteem and actions? and why is gender violence protrayed as a women’s issue though men are the primary perpetrators?
i always get a sense that just talking about sexual assault does not address the underlying problems with the mainstream ideas of sexuality and gender that need to change in order for this violence to subside.
————————————————————————————-
i am attaching this column that was put together by a sexual assault prevention group i champaign, IL. i think it addresses the issue in an intelligent and accessible way. i hope it’s useful.
the September 2007 issue of *Cosmopolitan*, an article claimed that a
“new kind of date rape” had been uncovered: grey rape. So-called “grey rape”
referred to an ambiguous sexual experience for both partners, that could
technically be called rape, but for which women who were raped shared some
of the responsibility. In the survivors’ accounts, many of them knew the
perpetrator, had been drinking, and had shared some initial sexual intimacy
with the perpetrator. Also, each of them said, “No” (which was ignored by
their partner).
For *Doin’ It Well*, this doesn’t seem very “grey.” Yet the article goes on
to claim that it is women’s sexual independence which is leaving men and
women unclear of sexual boundaries.
If only “grey rape” had remained in the pages of *Cosmo*! Recently, we have
heard high school and college students use this term, usually to minimize
the severity of the assault or the responsibility of the perpetrator. *Doin’
It Well* wanted to take a look at this term, and what messages it might be
saying about our sexuality.
*What’s In a Name?
*”Grey rape” has a familiar ring to it. In the early 90’s, the media coined
the term “date rape” to refer to sexual violence committed by a dating
partner. When some men began incapacitating women with drugs, the media
called these “date rape drugs.” Let’s ignore for the moment that no other
crime committed by a dating partner gets labeled in this way. (Imagine:
“date larceny”) Qualifying rape as “date” or “grey” means that the act is
somehow less serious, not as violent as a “real” rape. We set it apart from
the sexual violence that seems most newsworthy, yet is less common: a
strange man attacks a woman with extreme physical and sexual violence in a
dark alley. All rape is rape, representing both an individual who ignored
someone’s lack of consent and an individual who was violated in that moment.
*U Call It
*The idea of “grey rape” also boils the sexual violence down to an issue of
miscommunication. She was being sexual, so how was he supposed to know what
her resistance (whether she said “No,” froze up, or even passed out) meant?
Legally and morally, we can never just assume that our sexual partner is
consenting to everything we might have in mind for ourselves, without some
kind of clear communication, verbally or nonverbally. Nor is that
presumption an excuse for sexual violence.
Ultimately, it is the victim who gets to define whether or not an act was
rape. But most often, survivors do not label sexually coercive experiences
(which are legally rape) as rape. Why? Because society and their community
usually says that the perpetrator can’t be responsible for the assault, that
the survivor shouldn’t have been so “sexually independent,” or that it was
just one big misunderstanding. There’s a big difference between regret and
rape.
*Fictions of Men
*Although “grey rape” seems to say little about men, between the lines, it
says *a lot* about men. As the Cosmo article claims, men are supposed to be
the aggressors and women the pursued, but the modern-day rules leaves men
uncertain of boundaries. Ross talks with men about how these ideas should be
found offensive by most men. Not only is it saying that men are too
self-centered to recognize their partner’s wishes, but also that men’s
violence is natural and normal. Without women saying no loudly enough, men
are doomed to rape? Men should question these ideas that try to excuse men’s
violence by saying that men couldn’t help themselves. Men who rape are
making a choice to rape.
*No Means No
*”Grey rape” suggests that it’s just too impossible to know what “no” looks
like. Here are some of our suggestions in case you’re wondering what might
count as “no.”
- “No”
- “I’m not ready”
- Too high or intoxicated to understand
- Passed out
- Sleeping
- Crying
- Pushing away
- Not answering when asked “are you into this?” or “does this feel
good?”
Of course there are many other ways that someone may communicate that they
are not consenting. Because consent means a “yes” from both people, we all
have a responsibility to check in with our partners. It doesn’t have to be
awkward; it can be sexy and comfortable . But it also means we must listen
to what our partner is telling us both verbally and non-verbally.
*Yes Means Yes
*Rightly so, the anti-rape movement has spent a lot of time talking about
what non-consent looks like. At the same time, if we’re going to take rape
seriously, we also need to take women’s sexuality seriously. We can’t focus
on “no,” without also understanding “yes.” We all ? male, female, & trans ?
have the right to say “yes” to sex we want and enjoy.
Everyone has the right to initiate sexual activity and have limits around
sexual behaviors that are heard, acknowledged and respected. We need to
create an environment in which women have the safety to explore and
experiment sexually, without fear of their limits being ignored or being
called a “tease.” Healthy sexuality is about mutuality. It’s up to all of us
to ensure that we are promoting a sexually healthy community! Ignoring
someone’s consent is not *Doin’ It Well*. It’s rape, and there’s nothing
“grey” about it.
